This Bitter Red Sea

The Angry Sea by Thomas Moran

It was a simple invitation, and yet the wave of anger within me that rose in response was far more than anticipated. Apparently, i'm still bitter. 

Tonight, like every other Wednesday night, my housemates had friends over to watch movies, play games, and generally socialize. And tonight, like every other Wednesday night, i headed to my room to avoid them.

The pattern this week was no different: Guest show up, they invite me to join them, i politely decline then make like a tick and flee, and we all go about our nights as we please. This night would have a twist though. 

While hiding my room, i received a text from Petra.

Care to join us in the basement for some worship?

I replied with a thanks but no thanks. 

So far so good. We're sticking to the routine and everyone seems happy. The dam of smiles and polite responses remains intact to insulate us from my bitterness and allow for civil conversation.

Then she responded, and the dam i've so carefully kept intact collapsed. 

She gently chided me for letting the opportunity slip by, for missing out on something i was once passionate about. Her text wasn't harsh - heck, she used two smiley faces - but the blindness in which it ignored so much history seemed arrogant. 

I realized i was furious.

For over a year, i relentlessly invested my social pull to positively influence the lives of my friends. Towards this end, i created more social get togethers than i can remember. People would show up, have a great time, and probably make new friends while they were at it (whole new socialspheres were created.) 

Behind the fun though, i meticulously crafted these settings to have a deeper purpose than mere socialization, one that would draw them deeper into their own depths or connect them with God or hope or... hell, anything that mattered, if i could.

They might, like flies to a picnic, faithfully show up to enjoy the benefits of my labor, but they never joined me in my efforts. After a year of investing my time and resources into what seemed to be a battle only i cared about winning, the only fervor i had was a fervent distaste for anything that would remind me of what had once mattered so dearly to me.

Then suddenly, magically, randomly, months after i called it quits, Petra, Charity, and a few of the others decided they actually did like these get togethers. So much so, that they would get together EVEN if i didn't organize it for them. Shocking! Who would have thought?

Soon enough, they were regularly convening at my house (being attached to the location, i suppose.) Being the good sports they are, every week they would do the polite thing and invite me to join them. Every week, i would politely decline. Up until this week, i thought this system was fine, if not slightly annoying.

It's not like what they're doing is bad, bland, or boring. In fact, many of their activities are the very things i would have initiated myself back before i became so confoundedly antisocial. But i think that's what i hate about it.

Now, i know logically that i should be thrilled. It seems like - to some degree, at least - they're finally beginning to run with my ideas. I should get off my butt, tie my shoe laces and run with them, or at least bust out my wagon and let them pull me. Yet i feel a sense of disgust at the thought doing so. 

Maybe i hate it because i fought for it so long and hard but never achieved it. Maybe i hate it because they can do it without me and that's a blow to my ego. Maybe i hate it because they do so nonchalantly what i did so passionately; on a whim and for fun they do what i did with such deep conviction and intentionality.

My ego, of course, would like to believe the last of these reasons, but i realize it's likely a combination of all three - plus another dozen still unbeknownst to me.

...

I never did responded to her. Part of me wanted to turn it on her head, to remind her of how she and the rest had failed to support me when it mattered, to say the time for it had long passed. Part of me felt like i should join them. Maybe that's what my heart needed. Part of me was just tired and thought i might handle it better after a full nights rest.

This Bitter Red Sea

I see i still have a long ways ahead of me in my journey towards the healing of my perceived failures and the failures of those around me.

I just wish God would part this bitter Red Sea, leaving my heart a dry path on which to cross.

21

This week, i became a legally alcohol consuming citizen. As the days slid by and 20 came to an end, i found myself thinking a lot about the past few years and i can't help but view 20 as the least impressive of the bunch. In fact, it wasn't just that it didn't have the same rate of growth as the past years, it seemed to slip back and undo much that was accomplished in the past three. I beg Your forgiveness as i'm about to consider a long-winded, egotistic recollections of the past few years. I only hope they'll give You more insight into my current thoughts and actions.

17 

Ah, when everything was bright and new! I had just made the switch from being a depressed introvert into what seemed to be a charmingly outgoing, enthusiastically optimistic individual. (This surprised me more than anyone.) I entered an internship at New Life Church (Colorado Spring's largest mega church) and soon found myself as a poster child for the youth group and at the top of the social food chain. I went from having 3 friends (thank You Saralee, Will, and Hilary for sticking with me) to being introduced as "the guy who knows everyone." Music exploded as i found myself leading worship as often as 5 times a week, as well as leading a handful of Bible studies and prayer meetings.

18 

This year saw the culmination of my passion and popularity. I was invited to speak at two different events: City Wide Night of Worship (attendance: 700 some) and the Desperation Conference (attendance: 3000 some). I also started and ran a healing team at youth group as well as a prophecy group. 

During 17, i got involved in many prayer meetings in which i saw not only the physical results of prayer, but the intense uniting effect they had on the individuals who prayed together. I heard many churches talk on the importance of prayer and i read of it's importance in the Bible. Seeing the logic in this, i went to the many pastors i knew, asking them why the churches in Colorado Springs didn't get together to pray for our city. They all kindly told me it was a nice idea but no one was heading it up. So of course, since someone had to and i was someone, i started the Kingdom Come gatherings. We met on a quarterly basis, representing quite a few different churches from around the city, and had as many as a hundred some individuals there.

But, after a year, i hated it all. I remember sitting on the floor, watching the proceedings of our fourth event and thinking how it would be impossible for me to be more involved with church and yet i hated my life more than ever. I was exhausted and burnt out. The team i had started Kingdom Come with had all eventually bailed and i was running everything myself.

Not only that, but i had long sat in the chairs of youth groups,  taking everything my pastors said to heart and running with it. I could not be more involved or committed to church yet there was no support or accountability. There was no community. The other groups i was running (which, while verbally encouraged by my pastors, they had no time or help to offer me in their sustenance)  were having visibly good, life-changing effects in the lives of my friends, but were being run by little more than a combination of my social charisma and passionate dedication to ideals i knew were worthwhile. They couldn't be sustained. Soon, i stepped out of it all.

As i struggled with growing doubts and began ending the groups i had ran, i found no comfort in the church. I remember opening up a message (there were others like it) that read along the of "Whatever You're going through, You need to get over it. Lots of Your peers look up to You and You're being a bad example." There was no offer of advise or of meeting together to help me get better, just the idea that i needed to suck it up. Fuck it, i thought.  If i had consider going back, now it was decided; i'd had enough of churches.

Around this time, i started going to Manitou, a part of the city that's known for it's artsiness and hippiness. It's seen as the anti-Christian side of town. Yet, time after time, i found myself experiencing a closeness with strangers that i hadn't found in the churches i frequented. I'd sit in coffee shops breaking bread with people i'd only met that night as we talked about life; i was offered wine (and weed) by strangers i played music with under the bandshell. I found acceptance and joy. I found community.

19 

19 was very good for my ego - or very bad, depending how You look at it! I seemed to accomplish everything churches should but didn't. It reenforced a pattern that has confused and saddened me through my life. While i believe it'd be best to submit to older, wiser leaders and support them in their efforts, the lives of my friends seem transformed not when i connect them to a certain church or pastor but when i take matters into my own foolish, enthusiastic hands.

At the beginning of the year, i was given a book, Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge, that  did much to refresh my spirits. I began gathering a handful of friends - individuals like me who had been burnt - to share a meal and study the book. Soon, though, our get togethers quickly became less and less about reading a set chapter and more and more about ministering to whatever needs someone might have that night. Our focus was on community and following the Holy Spirit's leading. Our size exploded as in the youth of the city we stumbled across a vein of desperate, unmet hunger for authentic Christian community.

I became interested in sustainability and different ways of doing life than the self-centered, materialistic, suburban world i had been raised in. I started boring many friends with long talks of theoretical economics and how society should be set up. I got rid of many my belonging and had lots of friends live at my house for extended periods. Some never left.

By summer time, Ekklesia had 75 some members, with as many as 45 showing up to cram into the basement each night. I was dating a beautiful girl who i was convinced i would marry, my friends lives were being transformed, i was leading (with the help of two dear friends) a ministry - no, a movement, rather - that seemed to only be growing and gaining momentum. And, and long last, it seemed that i had  finally found community.

20

And then came 20. Beautiful women had broken my heart twice, closing me to love and romance. Ministry wise, it seemed like i was just repeating the patterns of 18, in which i poured everything i had into a a group and there was great success in the lives of those involved, yet it was sustained by my drive alone. I had assumed that if i sacrificed long enough, the vision would catch on and others would join in, yet so few saw need to support the thing that benefitted them. I became bitter at the people i served, seeing them as lazy and selfish for i wasn't older or wiser or smarter than them. I was just dedicated. I would show up to the building that we were now based out of, do my part, and head home as soon as possible. The community i had fought so hard to create had turned into little more than a social club.

It was said by outsiders that i was starting a cult, that we were heretical, that we were rebellious. Perhaps that last one wasn't false. I had rebelled against the dead, lonely churches i had been a part of, trying to salvage both the religion of the God i loved and as many of the beautiful souls as i could that cold, institutionalize churches had injured. Yet i saw all my efforts, all my drive, all my sacrifice as worthless. There had been so much potential; we had been part of something that could have done so much, and we settled for okay. I endured from the inside watching what i had worked for turn into something i hated. I didn't hate it for what it was, but for what it could have been but wasn't. Finally, i felt God's release and i withdrew from Ekklesia, from most of my friendships, from anything that would remind me of my weakness, failure, and inability to create the world i desired, or of the apathy of those around me. Seeing the world and those in it as less than they could be was torment. So i simply withdrew from it.

21

Yet, as a new year begins, i find myself drawn once again to the ideals of community and the beauty and potential of life. God seems to have planted them not in my mind where ideas come and go, but in my very heart, where, for a time, they can be hidden and buried by the course of life and hope deferred, but never truly escaped. While the results of my efforts to change my bit of the world fell far short of my ambitions, they were not empty, although it is my tendency to view them as such. My heart is stilled pained but now it seems more akin to that experienced when feeling begins to creep back into the fingers after one steps near a fire after a cold night outside. Numbness gives way to feeling, and feeling to pain, but pain gives way to health and wholeness.

I've spent my past years teaching before i had really learned; healing others before i was healed; trying to giving others what i didn't quite yet have myself. I long to regain my youthful enthusiasm and optimism for life and i endeavor to go wherever i must to find it. I'll learn from what's passed and eagerly set out to find what's ahead. This year i plan to travel, to grow, and to learn from those around me. I won't fall into the trap of structuring my life around what's safe, practical and already in place but rather, with God's help and the love of You, my dear friends and family, continue seeking until my dying day to create the best world possible. Won't You join me?

Why This Blog? pt. 2 : Ideas & Camaraderie

Over the past few years, as my philosophy and approach to life has become more developed and personalized, i've felt increasingly alone. Most people seem surprised when they hear this. Perhaps when they look at me all they see is "the guy who knows everyone" (this is often how i'm introduced.) Yet the fact remain, most days i feel so painfully alone.

Due to my naturally outgoing personality, the pool of my social life is more than large enough to supply me with people to spend time with. If i ever feel lonely, i have many loving friends, all of them truly beautiful people, who will be there for me. But there are precious few souls i feel a kindred spirit with. I don't think myself any better or smarter than my friends - far from it - but i must be honest in saying that the deep thoughts and ideals of life which consume my energy and passion, seem to be far from the minds of those around me. In this regard, though i love them, i am unable to connect with them about those things which seem to make up a part of my very soul. The connection we have seems somewhat empty, for, having to leave a part of me behind, it's only what's left of me that can connect with them.

I don't know why this is. It could be that, while caring about these issues, most are unsure of how to approach or discuss them. We're not taught to question things. When asked why they're living their life the way they are, most of my friends have no answer other than everyone is living similarly. As with honesty (see pt. 1), it's my hope that in writing about my thoughts and these things which drive me, You'll be encouraged to question, search out, and give voice to Your ideals and way of living.

Perhaps we'll find we have more in common than we

thought and my agonizing feelings of isolation will instead be replaced by the joy of camaraderie. 

Haunted

I listen as the engine starts then fades and they drive away. I sink back into my chair and open the browser back to where i left it. My eyes skim picture after picture of bizarre shirts as i scroll down the page. A randomly shuffled song in iTunes drones on in the background.

This is, essentially, what i've spent my day doing. Wasting time. It's mind numbingly boring but that's the point. If yesterday left me paralyzed by passion, today i'll avoid that by, well, doing nothing. I know, it's dumb and self defeating. But this numbness is better than what engulfed me yesterday. At least this way there's no pain of guilt or regret or failed hopes.

I continue scrolling then skip to another page. Images of retro jackets appear and a double breasted military coat catches my eye. Wow, i think, who knew Korean fashion was so interesting?

Yes, it's pathetic that i'm still here, hoping that if i avoid the thoughts and emotions for long enough, they'll stay dormant. Yet even as i write of them a pain stabs at my heart as though suddenly they remember their task to torment me.

My mind flashes back 24 hours.

My workout was quickly falling apart. I don't know if it was the lyrics that played on my workout playlist or if my core desires had finally just caught up with me. Unable to finish the push up, i collapse to the floor. I curl into a ball as if that will somehow protect me from the thoughts that flood through my mind.

"Don't wanna waste my life, life, life. Don't wanna waste my life..."

Lecrae continues to play from my computer. It's as though he's calling me out for having sunk so low, for having given up the fight.

"Yeah, well how the hell do i do that?" i shout back to Lecrae, to my thoughts, to everything. "I tried everything i could but i still failed. I failed, okay? Now let me just stay here."

But if anything, they intensify.

I realize that i'm now on my bed and my chair has been thrown across the room. I guess i must have done that. Songs continue to play and each one seems to bring with it a snapshot of the world as it should be. They're all different, some large, some small, but each so personal and important.

I think of my friends, my beautiful friends whose lives i was able to do so little for. I see the systems which trap them and the lies they believe. I so badly wanted to see them fully alive, to see them free from the dead, unquestioning mindset which seems to entomb so many of them.

I think of everything Ekklesia could have become but didn't. Was it my fault or theirs that it ended as little more than a social club? We had started so brilliantly. No one who showed up had ever encountered anything like it. I truly thought we could change our city, that we could free ourselves.

I think of the few glimpses of community which i've seen and the stories i've heard, yet was unable to create for myself and those around me. We all said it was a better way of life, but we were all to young and immature and selfish for it to be sustained.

I think of the society in which i live, so unimaginatively obsessed with one set way of doing life: stress and work to get good grades in high school, so You can stress and work and get into a good college, so You can stress and work and get an okay job, so you can get a house that's bigger than You need so You can buy lots of things to insulate Yourself from the fact that You've wasted Your life. Maybe if You're lucky, You can retire and have a few years to vacation and buy cheap souvenirs before You die.

And still the thoughts come.

"Damn it! What do You want? I fought for those things. I gave everything i had but i still failed. I was too weak, people were lazy and selfish, no one cared about my ideas, it didn't matter in the end. I failed! I get it!"

Yet they keep whispering, like they're trying to wake up my heart with visions i once loved, but i can't let that part of me wake. To have such ambition but to always feel so helpless to see it manifest is agony. Yes, i've been living within my bounds but at least my heart was safe.

Eventually, at long last, i get busy and distract myself. I push the down thoughts and fill my mind with a hundred different things. Anything to numb that dangerous part of me. The day flows by...

Today, Two friends invited me to hang out and i turned them both down. It's not that i was busy but i couldn't help but wonder what's the point? Go and make small talk, waste time, as the world around us dies. I know that's how we all act, we poor, blind, selfish souls, and i know i can't convince anyone to do otherwise. We have our ways. Why rock the boat? True, perhaps life is unchangingly this way, but don't expect to see me taking part in its emptiness.

I'm too busy searching for some solace from these damned beautiful visions.

Desperate To Believe Them

"It was good to see You, Dallas."

The words were so simple yet as i step into my car i can't help but to question them. Such a deep part of me wants to believe them, wants to think that they really were as happy to see me as i was to see them.

But Dallas, that inner voice whispers, You know You can't trust them. They're just like the rest of the Springs Church crowd. Yeah, they seemed to welcome You when You were new and cool but they were pretty quick to turn and throw You out once that faded.

I hate the thought but there is some truth to it.

"I can't be sure it was them," i think back. "I never found out who all spread the rumors about me."

Come on, Dallas. The whole church was on board. You've dropped by a few times since then and You never feel welcome. You sit by Yourself every time, forgotten or ignored by those so-call friends. Of course they were polite when they ran into You tonight. It's not like they're going to show their disgust for You to Your face.

That's the problem. I never knew who ruined my reputation. All i know is one month i'm making new friends and the next i no longer feel like a part of the them. What's more, the gal i love who's half a world away is hearing stories of things i never did, nearly ruining any chance of us even having a friendship. My attempts to track the rumors to their origins so as to shed some clarity leads me nowhere, leaving me to distrust the whole faceless mass of a social group that gave birth to them.

After work yesterday, i had dropped by Heaven on Earth (aka Chick Fil-a) and ran into them. They invited me to eat with the three of them and a good time was had by all. Or so i would like to think. Still, i've the nagging thought that they were just politely putting up with me. 

I didn't know what they thought of me. Maybe from their standpoint i had abandoned them. Right around the time my gal left for the other side of the planet, i had a spiritual and social falling out and stopped attending most things that involved human beings. It could have seemed like as soon as the girl i liked left, my interest in them disappeared. 

So i kept trying to hammer it in. "I'm really happy we're all here." "It's really good being with You guys." "This reminds me of the time we..." 

After each time they would respond in the way You'd imagine. 

"Yeah, of course, Dallas."

"I agree."

But their replies only furthered to widen the ravine of doubt that separated us. I so wanted them to know how much it mattered that i was with them now. Even with my doubt, the feeling of being a part of their group felt like a like a ray sunshine after a cold winter.

I want to know that the sunshine is real. I want to break down and apologize for every perceived wrong i might have committed. I want them to know that they really do matter to me and i want to know if i matter to them.

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me. If i was confident in myself, perhaps what they think shouldn't phase me. But it does. I know better than they do the true wrongs i've done. Lord knows my mind reminds me of the many reasons they have to dislike me.

Maybe it's a plea for honesty, for the solid ground of truth. Or maybe it's just the lonely part of me, begging for someone to see something good in me and to genuinely love me for it. Either way, i'm in my car leaving now and my desire for clarity is still agonizingly unmet.

Until we learn to drop the facade of pleasantries and confront one another's imperfections in loving honesty, my doubts aren't likely to go away.