The Villain Inside

Perhaps the most heroic thing we can do, is to face the villain inside of us.

I’m driving away from a conversation with someone who is so very dear to me, knowing just how deeply i’ve hurt her. My friend is wonderful, even on her bad days she is such a bright, joyful light to be around. And i would sacrifice my own comfort to shield her from pain.

But tonight, i’m the one causing her it.

There’s no pretty way to say it. In many ways, i’ve used her over the past few months. She was there in my life when i felt unloved and abandoned by those who really mattered to me. She filled the lonely, hurt parts of me. And so even though i didn’t love her, i tried to believe that i did.

It wasn’t always fake. In the beginning there was a part of our relationship that had the potential to turn into something deeper. But sometime in between the first and second time we called our unofficial relationship off, i realized that i was just being selfish. I was letting her believe our relationship might go somewhere some day and in the mean time it was nice to have someone to share my heart and cuddle with.

I knew for a while that i needed to call things off but i didn’t. There are so few people who make me feel loved, people i feel i can be myself around, and i didn’t want to lose that. I also liked having someone to hug. And, i really, really didn’t want to hurt her. I had known for some time that when i told her the truth, a part of her would break. So i kept delaying the inevitable, looking for a way to soften the blow. It didn’t seem fair for her to suffer for faults that were mine. Yet, in trying to hide the hard truth from her, i only let the hooks of deceit sink deeper in.

But not any more. I open up, letting her see the selfish, weak, even villainous side of me. I like someone else, we’ll never be in a long term relationship, my heart isn’t in this. It was hard to say those things to her, sitting there in my car tonight, and i know it was even harder for her to hear them. But i won’t try to manipulate her or anyone else into liking me by carefully selecting those truths that i know they’ll like and hiding the rest from them. Whatever else can be said, i believe all persons deserve honesty.

And so finally the truth came out, not in easy bits and pieces that could be watered down or covered up, but all at once, to paint a picture neither of us could ignore. The romantic side of our relationship has to die. I at least, if not both of us, have been foolish, weak, and selfish. Her forced smile and little laugh hurt more than any blow could have, as she thanked me and left me alone to face myself.

As i drive away, feeling such shame and sorrow, there is another feeling, somewhere deep beneath it all. The truth that was unspoken, locked inside and haunting me, has now been brought into the light. Despite the pain, i feel free.