Desperate To Believe Them

"It was good to see You, Dallas."

The words were so simple yet as i step into my car i can't help but to question them. Such a deep part of me wants to believe them, wants to think that they really were as happy to see me as i was to see them.

But Dallas, that inner voice whispers, You know You can't trust them. They're just like the rest of the Springs Church crowd. Yeah, they seemed to welcome You when You were new and cool but they were pretty quick to turn and throw You out once that faded.

I hate the thought but there is some truth to it.

"I can't be sure it was them," i think back. "I never found out who all spread the rumors about me."

Come on, Dallas. The whole church was on board. You've dropped by a few times since then and You never feel welcome. You sit by Yourself every time, forgotten or ignored by those so-call friends. Of course they were polite when they ran into You tonight. It's not like they're going to show their disgust for You to Your face.

That's the problem. I never knew who ruined my reputation. All i know is one month i'm making new friends and the next i no longer feel like a part of the them. What's more, the gal i love who's half a world away is hearing stories of things i never did, nearly ruining any chance of us even having a friendship. My attempts to track the rumors to their origins so as to shed some clarity leads me nowhere, leaving me to distrust the whole faceless mass of a social group that gave birth to them.

After work yesterday, i had dropped by Heaven on Earth (aka Chick Fil-a) and ran into them. They invited me to eat with the three of them and a good time was had by all. Or so i would like to think. Still, i've the nagging thought that they were just politely putting up with me. 

I didn't know what they thought of me. Maybe from their standpoint i had abandoned them. Right around the time my gal left for the other side of the planet, i had a spiritual and social falling out and stopped attending most things that involved human beings. It could have seemed like as soon as the girl i liked left, my interest in them disappeared. 

So i kept trying to hammer it in. "I'm really happy we're all here." "It's really good being with You guys." "This reminds me of the time we..." 

After each time they would respond in the way You'd imagine. 

"Yeah, of course, Dallas."

"I agree."

But their replies only furthered to widen the ravine of doubt that separated us. I so wanted them to know how much it mattered that i was with them now. Even with my doubt, the feeling of being a part of their group felt like a like a ray sunshine after a cold winter.

I want to know that the sunshine is real. I want to break down and apologize for every perceived wrong i might have committed. I want them to know that they really do matter to me and i want to know if i matter to them.

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me. If i was confident in myself, perhaps what they think shouldn't phase me. But it does. I know better than they do the true wrongs i've done. Lord knows my mind reminds me of the many reasons they have to dislike me.

Maybe it's a plea for honesty, for the solid ground of truth. Or maybe it's just the lonely part of me, begging for someone to see something good in me and to genuinely love me for it. Either way, i'm in my car leaving now and my desire for clarity is still agonizingly unmet.

Until we learn to drop the facade of pleasantries and confront one another's imperfections in loving honesty, my doubts aren't likely to go away.