The Me I Love, The Me I Hate

I was happy, until i realized i was. Then i was upset. It's funny and perhaps it highlights how emotionally unstable i am but it's not as odd as it sounds.

Despite how long we've been friends, i don't see Laura often. It was a really good evening though; i ran around with enthusiasm, climbing on things, dancing as i walked, talking and making friends with whomever i came in contact with. Despite the stress of the day, i found a loveably naive, enthusiastic side of me coming out.

It's been a while since i've seen this side.

Driving away from her house, i realized i was happy. Not just with how the evening had been but with how i had been. That's when it hit me. Suddenly, i was struck by the sight and contrast of two sides of me.

The first is the bright eyed boy; naive, enthusiastic, charming, optimistic to a fault, believing the best in everyone, ever ready to meet old friends and new. People feel welcome and free around him. This is the Dallas most people meet, and although this side is also foolish and overbearing at times, my heart is happy with him.

The other is more complex and harder to describe. He's colder, calculating,  political. This doesn't come out of malice or selfish ambition but out of a deep desire to see goodness achieved in the world, the systems of living reformed, and for those around him to step into the truth that will lead them into the fullness of their glory, beauty and potential. He'll sacrifice whatever is necessary to see these things come about. The difference he sees between the potential of what could be and the world that is is maddening, stealing his joy. His enthusiasm is twisted to become a cold drive. The apparent lack of interest on the part of those he aims to help only furthers to alienate him from them. He perceives his inability to bring about his vision as personal weakness, putting on him a sense of failure that drives him deeper into isolation. His friends, though loving, usually don't know what they can do to help, for there is little they can do. They feel a growing wall between them and the man they love. That is him at his worst.

Yet, this side of Dallas had been responsible for much good. It was this drive that created and sustained many groups and movements; Ekklesia, Kingdom Come, and the Healing Rooms being just a few. Many friendships were made, old wounds were healed, many were encouraged, gained wisdom, and stepped further into their potential. Heck, whole social groups exist now because of his efforts. It's good like this that validates his actions and drives him to continue down a path that he hates the feeling of.

So i drive home, thoughts and memories swirling through my head and through my heart. I realize how much i miss my bright eyed self. Yet it seems so hard to just go back, like i'd somehow have to give up some important key i was entrusted with that might just unlock the life i'm desperate for us all. All the worse, i feel awful that most days i'm so reserved and distant from friends that i know mean well.

A flash of anger goes through me. Ignorance is bliss. Why am i condemned to see things so few others do? It seems to be this vision of mine that keeps me from going back to the me i feel i should be, the me i want to be.

Soon i'm home and i don't have any answers than when i started driving, just questions and conflicting desires. Do i become the me i like or do i sacrifice my joy to fight for the greater good? If i take the second path, how long can i maintain it until i become so bitter from disappointment and anger that i stop being any good at all? And for those who would suggest a third path, i know it should exist, but i never can seem to find the balance. I'm a man of extremes with a single track mind. The balance, if ever reached, is so short lived as to be hard to even spot.

I can just hope one day i'll have the wisdom and strength to find this balance for good.

Why This Blog? pt. 2 : Ideas & Camaraderie

Over the past few years, as my philosophy and approach to life has become more developed and personalized, i've felt increasingly alone. Most people seem surprised when they hear this. Perhaps when they look at me all they see is "the guy who knows everyone" (this is often how i'm introduced.) Yet the fact remain, most days i feel so painfully alone.

Due to my naturally outgoing personality, the pool of my social life is more than large enough to supply me with people to spend time with. If i ever feel lonely, i have many loving friends, all of them truly beautiful people, who will be there for me. But there are precious few souls i feel a kindred spirit with. I don't think myself any better or smarter than my friends - far from it - but i must be honest in saying that the deep thoughts and ideals of life which consume my energy and passion, seem to be far from the minds of those around me. In this regard, though i love them, i am unable to connect with them about those things which seem to make up a part of my very soul. The connection we have seems somewhat empty, for, having to leave a part of me behind, it's only what's left of me that can connect with them.

I don't know why this is. It could be that, while caring about these issues, most are unsure of how to approach or discuss them. We're not taught to question things. When asked why they're living their life the way they are, most of my friends have no answer other than everyone is living similarly. As with honesty (see pt. 1), it's my hope that in writing about my thoughts and these things which drive me, You'll be encouraged to question, search out, and give voice to Your ideals and way of living.

Perhaps we'll find we have more in common than we

thought and my agonizing feelings of isolation will instead be replaced by the joy of camaraderie. 

Tidy Thoughts, Messy Thoughts

As i stare ahead at the blank page, i realize that i'm stuck. Try as i might, my thoughts refuse to order themselves into clear, tidy piles. It's funny though because it was just earlier today that she told me to let go of that need.

"You don't need to have them all nice and neat before You share them. I still want to read Your thoughts, Dal, even if they're not fully formed."

I was sitting in the Chick-fil-A parking lot after work, waiting to go in and satisfy my increasingly intense hunger but not wanting to interrupt our conversation. Every talk with her means so much to me, despite the fact that we seem to talk every other day. It doesn't matter the subject, just listening to her share her way viewing the world is a delight. I guess that's the side effect of adoring someone. But we won't wander down that road today...

"I guess i feel like i have to have a firm grasp on the idea before i share it. I have loads of things on my mind. I'd love to write about them but, i don't know... When i write about my day, that's easy. There's a clear start and an end to it. That's not usually the case with my thoughts. They don't seem to have a clear beginning or end to them most of the time."

Now, much later in the day, i find myself staring at my computer, trying my best to formulate... well, anything really. What's keeping me from typing, what it is she said i need to let go of, is a mixture of my insecurity and my perfectionist side. In a world of thousands of boring, egocentric blogs and status updates, i don't want to waste Your time. If i write something, i want You to be able to take something from it. What i write has to have a message. It has to have a message. It has to be great.

But she's right. Maybe it doesn't. That's the thing about honesty anyway. You don't need to have it all together. You just have to be open about what You do have.

I turn back to my computer and begin to type.

Illumination

It's amazing, really, how certain settings seem to carry with them a depth of beauty and worth that suddenly makes whatever is taking place feel important as well. This is why i love sunsets, old buildings, and of course, the stars.

That's where i found myself tonight. The last rays of sunlight danced away as we made our way up the mountain, slowly taking the winding dirt road. We weren't in a hurry to get anywhere. It was the setting itself for which we came. Now, having parked the car a few miles back, we had gone on foot, stopping here and there to look either at the city below or the stars above.

They're brilliant tonight, even with the moon as bright as it is. Just being here, looking at them, is enough. It's not that their beauty adds value to us or what we're doing but rather stands as a reminder of the deep, intrinsic worth we already hold inside.

At long last, i look away from the stars and answer Brandon's question.

"I don't know why things began to change. After stepping out of it all, things in my heart slowly began to heal and regrow. I can't point to what caused it."

Brandon didn't respond immediately, but i knew he was listening to every word.

I've spent the past hour and a half (if not longer) telling him my story. If You've never met him, You're missing out. With his quick, full bellied laugh and deep, knowing eyes, he has what seems to be the perfect balance of careless joy yet quiet wisdom and sincerity.

I've told many people my story, but rarely in such depth. There was something about the way he listened that made me feel as though the story i was telling, the story i was living, mattered and mattered deeply. Like the stars, being there with someone who cared about all the details of what i did and why i did it and why i think the way i think, it reminded me that my life was important. That it still is important.

We spent the rest of the evening walking back to the car then driving down to Monument. Somewhere along the way, between the bumps of the divots and the curves of the winding road, the conversation turned to Brandon. As he spoke of his life, he told me not only of his triumphs, but of many of his struggles and failures.

We in society possess such a fear of letting our flaws come to light. I don't know whether it's instinctual or if we pick it up along the way as we grow, but i know of few things we will do more to avoid. We have fears, imagined and real, about how others will respond if they found out the truth of our humanity. Yet, contrary to this, i found that hearing of his flaws only furthered my appreciation for Brandon. It's as though, in seeing he was real, i knew that i could trust the good i saw in him.

How i wish that more of my social interactions were like this. Our time had depth and meaning to it. It was honest and real and the good i took from it seemed tangible. Our goal wasn't to impress the other with a polished, plastic version of our self, nor to convince them that we're something other than the man we are.

In bringing light to our complete, true selves, it wasn't our flaws, but rather our glory, that was illuminated.

The Battle For Myself

The irony of hating the hole You're in
but not wanting to leave.

Today found me in quite the dismal hole. I was happy to stay there.

It's an ironic condition but one i find myself in often enough to make one question my rational thinking abilities. I'll find myself beset by some negative emotion. Anger. Depression. Fear. It could be any of these or more. Rather than fighting it, it's as if the different parts of my heart welcome the enemy, inviting it to stay. It takes root and feeds upon itself, growing in anguish, but not wanting to be resolved.

So it was today. As the day grew, i found myself becoming upset and lonely, almost without reason. The solution would seem to be to put myself around others. But the command post of logic in my mind seemed to have been overtaken and was now run by this invading force of negativity. My skills of reasoning were being used to convince me of the uselessness of doing those things which might help cure me of this sudden malady.

Why hang out with others? They don't really like You. You're better of by Yourself.

My desire to seek out the company of others began to wither and i isolate myself even more, which only furthers the icy grip loneliness has on me. I turn to passion, hoping to find aid in this contest but soon realize that it too has been commandeered.

Yeah, You could fight this feeling... But do You really want to? You're exhausted. It's not worth the effort. Just stay here.

Dang. Now i'm losing the fight. Any hopes i hold of fending of this usurpation of my self are quickly evaporating. I make one last appeal to my will to get me out of here.

Even if You could, You'd just be faking it. This is how You feel. You don't want to be insincere, do You?

A house divided against itself cannot stand and so, with my foundations now no longer my own, i fall. I spend the rest of the day caged within a man i hate yet cannot seem to control. I'm no longer myself, but rather what seems to be some Frankensteinian combination of all those dark corners inside me which i abhor. I am an impatient creature, angry and alone. The doors of this prison in which i sit are unlocked and open, yet my feet refuse to obey or budge. So i stay in this state.

Thank God for those angels of light which come to us in the form of our friends.

You might think my description melodramatic but that is how it felt. I've no doubt i would have stayed in that condition all day had a friend not intervened.

She called me up and as we spoke, her words reminded my faculties of their allegiance. By the time she hung up, my heart was making a good effort of revolting against its usurpers and restoring me to myself. And then she showed up at my house.

"I'm kidnapping You," she told me.

I made a few excuses but she would have none of it.

"I don't care how You look, smell, or feel. Let's go!"

What happened next was redemption. The day which started out as a dark cloud ended as a brilliant night, full of adventure and laughter. We did Chinese fire drills, climbed trees, jumped on rocks overlooking scenic nightscapes, drove past monolithic rock formations as we wound our way through Garden of the Gods. We parked there and she told me the names of each constellation i pointed to.

The Cepheus Constellation

"That one's Cepheus, the King," she says pointing at a group of stars which looked like someone mashed a square and a W together. I'll give it to the ancient Greeks. They definitely had vivid imaginations.

Our adventures continued, full of memories i'll long cherish, until at last she dropped me back home close to midnight. I felt so alive and content as we said our short goodbye. After our time together, i felt so much closer to being the man i want to be. For this, and so much more, i love her.

I wish i could validate the time You spent reading this by leaving You with some insight or life lesson. If any is to be had, it alludes me. All i know is that i am a better man when i'm near those who love me. It's not an easy process for them, i'm sure, but i thank God for the few that choose to fight for me despite my many flaws.

Perhaps we need each other to be fully ourselves.

Desperate To Believe Them

"It was good to see You, Dallas."

The words were so simple yet as i step into my car i can't help but to question them. Such a deep part of me wants to believe them, wants to think that they really were as happy to see me as i was to see them.

But Dallas, that inner voice whispers, You know You can't trust them. They're just like the rest of the Springs Church crowd. Yeah, they seemed to welcome You when You were new and cool but they were pretty quick to turn and throw You out once that faded.

I hate the thought but there is some truth to it.

"I can't be sure it was them," i think back. "I never found out who all spread the rumors about me."

Come on, Dallas. The whole church was on board. You've dropped by a few times since then and You never feel welcome. You sit by Yourself every time, forgotten or ignored by those so-call friends. Of course they were polite when they ran into You tonight. It's not like they're going to show their disgust for You to Your face.

That's the problem. I never knew who ruined my reputation. All i know is one month i'm making new friends and the next i no longer feel like a part of the them. What's more, the gal i love who's half a world away is hearing stories of things i never did, nearly ruining any chance of us even having a friendship. My attempts to track the rumors to their origins so as to shed some clarity leads me nowhere, leaving me to distrust the whole faceless mass of a social group that gave birth to them.

After work yesterday, i had dropped by Heaven on Earth (aka Chick Fil-a) and ran into them. They invited me to eat with the three of them and a good time was had by all. Or so i would like to think. Still, i've the nagging thought that they were just politely putting up with me. 

I didn't know what they thought of me. Maybe from their standpoint i had abandoned them. Right around the time my gal left for the other side of the planet, i had a spiritual and social falling out and stopped attending most things that involved human beings. It could have seemed like as soon as the girl i liked left, my interest in them disappeared. 

So i kept trying to hammer it in. "I'm really happy we're all here." "It's really good being with You guys." "This reminds me of the time we..." 

After each time they would respond in the way You'd imagine. 

"Yeah, of course, Dallas."

"I agree."

But their replies only furthered to widen the ravine of doubt that separated us. I so wanted them to know how much it mattered that i was with them now. Even with my doubt, the feeling of being a part of their group felt like a like a ray sunshine after a cold winter.

I want to know that the sunshine is real. I want to break down and apologize for every perceived wrong i might have committed. I want them to know that they really do matter to me and i want to know if i matter to them.

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me. If i was confident in myself, perhaps what they think shouldn't phase me. But it does. I know better than they do the true wrongs i've done. Lord knows my mind reminds me of the many reasons they have to dislike me.

Maybe it's a plea for honesty, for the solid ground of truth. Or maybe it's just the lonely part of me, begging for someone to see something good in me and to genuinely love me for it. Either way, i'm in my car leaving now and my desire for clarity is still agonizingly unmet.

Until we learn to drop the facade of pleasantries and confront one another's imperfections in loving honesty, my doubts aren't likely to go away.