The Me I Love, The Me I Hate

I was happy, until i realized i was. Then i was upset. It's funny and perhaps it highlights how emotionally unstable i am but it's not as odd as it sounds.

Despite how long we've been friends, i don't see Laura often. It was a really good evening though; i ran around with enthusiasm, climbing on things, dancing as i walked, talking and making friends with whomever i came in contact with. Despite the stress of the day, i found a loveably naive, enthusiastic side of me coming out.

It's been a while since i've seen this side.

Driving away from her house, i realized i was happy. Not just with how the evening had been but with how i had been. That's when it hit me. Suddenly, i was struck by the sight and contrast of two sides of me.

The first is the bright eyed boy; naive, enthusiastic, charming, optimistic to a fault, believing the best in everyone, ever ready to meet old friends and new. People feel welcome and free around him. This is the Dallas most people meet, and although this side is also foolish and overbearing at times, my heart is happy with him.

The other is more complex and harder to describe. He's colder, calculating,  political. This doesn't come out of malice or selfish ambition but out of a deep desire to see goodness achieved in the world, the systems of living reformed, and for those around him to step into the truth that will lead them into the fullness of their glory, beauty and potential. He'll sacrifice whatever is necessary to see these things come about. The difference he sees between the potential of what could be and the world that is is maddening, stealing his joy. His enthusiasm is twisted to become a cold drive. The apparent lack of interest on the part of those he aims to help only furthers to alienate him from them. He perceives his inability to bring about his vision as personal weakness, putting on him a sense of failure that drives him deeper into isolation. His friends, though loving, usually don't know what they can do to help, for there is little they can do. They feel a growing wall between them and the man they love. That is him at his worst.

Yet, this side of Dallas had been responsible for much good. It was this drive that created and sustained many groups and movements; Ekklesia, Kingdom Come, and the Healing Rooms being just a few. Many friendships were made, old wounds were healed, many were encouraged, gained wisdom, and stepped further into their potential. Heck, whole social groups exist now because of his efforts. It's good like this that validates his actions and drives him to continue down a path that he hates the feeling of.

So i drive home, thoughts and memories swirling through my head and through my heart. I realize how much i miss my bright eyed self. Yet it seems so hard to just go back, like i'd somehow have to give up some important key i was entrusted with that might just unlock the life i'm desperate for us all. All the worse, i feel awful that most days i'm so reserved and distant from friends that i know mean well.

A flash of anger goes through me. Ignorance is bliss. Why am i condemned to see things so few others do? It seems to be this vision of mine that keeps me from going back to the me i feel i should be, the me i want to be.

Soon i'm home and i don't have any answers than when i started driving, just questions and conflicting desires. Do i become the me i like or do i sacrifice my joy to fight for the greater good? If i take the second path, how long can i maintain it until i become so bitter from disappointment and anger that i stop being any good at all? And for those who would suggest a third path, i know it should exist, but i never can seem to find the balance. I'm a man of extremes with a single track mind. The balance, if ever reached, is so short lived as to be hard to even spot.

I can just hope one day i'll have the wisdom and strength to find this balance for good.