The Battle For Myself

The irony of hating the hole You're in
but not wanting to leave.

Today found me in quite the dismal hole. I was happy to stay there.

It's an ironic condition but one i find myself in often enough to make one question my rational thinking abilities. I'll find myself beset by some negative emotion. Anger. Depression. Fear. It could be any of these or more. Rather than fighting it, it's as if the different parts of my heart welcome the enemy, inviting it to stay. It takes root and feeds upon itself, growing in anguish, but not wanting to be resolved.

So it was today. As the day grew, i found myself becoming upset and lonely, almost without reason. The solution would seem to be to put myself around others. But the command post of logic in my mind seemed to have been overtaken and was now run by this invading force of negativity. My skills of reasoning were being used to convince me of the uselessness of doing those things which might help cure me of this sudden malady.

Why hang out with others? They don't really like You. You're better of by Yourself.

My desire to seek out the company of others began to wither and i isolate myself even more, which only furthers the icy grip loneliness has on me. I turn to passion, hoping to find aid in this contest but soon realize that it too has been commandeered.

Yeah, You could fight this feeling... But do You really want to? You're exhausted. It's not worth the effort. Just stay here.

Dang. Now i'm losing the fight. Any hopes i hold of fending of this usurpation of my self are quickly evaporating. I make one last appeal to my will to get me out of here.

Even if You could, You'd just be faking it. This is how You feel. You don't want to be insincere, do You?

A house divided against itself cannot stand and so, with my foundations now no longer my own, i fall. I spend the rest of the day caged within a man i hate yet cannot seem to control. I'm no longer myself, but rather what seems to be some Frankensteinian combination of all those dark corners inside me which i abhor. I am an impatient creature, angry and alone. The doors of this prison in which i sit are unlocked and open, yet my feet refuse to obey or budge. So i stay in this state.

Thank God for those angels of light which come to us in the form of our friends.

You might think my description melodramatic but that is how it felt. I've no doubt i would have stayed in that condition all day had a friend not intervened.

She called me up and as we spoke, her words reminded my faculties of their allegiance. By the time she hung up, my heart was making a good effort of revolting against its usurpers and restoring me to myself. And then she showed up at my house.

"I'm kidnapping You," she told me.

I made a few excuses but she would have none of it.

"I don't care how You look, smell, or feel. Let's go!"

What happened next was redemption. The day which started out as a dark cloud ended as a brilliant night, full of adventure and laughter. We did Chinese fire drills, climbed trees, jumped on rocks overlooking scenic nightscapes, drove past monolithic rock formations as we wound our way through Garden of the Gods. We parked there and she told me the names of each constellation i pointed to.

The Cepheus Constellation

"That one's Cepheus, the King," she says pointing at a group of stars which looked like someone mashed a square and a W together. I'll give it to the ancient Greeks. They definitely had vivid imaginations.

Our adventures continued, full of memories i'll long cherish, until at last she dropped me back home close to midnight. I felt so alive and content as we said our short goodbye. After our time together, i felt so much closer to being the man i want to be. For this, and so much more, i love her.

I wish i could validate the time You spent reading this by leaving You with some insight or life lesson. If any is to be had, it alludes me. All i know is that i am a better man when i'm near those who love me. It's not an easy process for them, i'm sure, but i thank God for the few that choose to fight for me despite my many flaws.

Perhaps we need each other to be fully ourselves.